As I Wander with Lauren Lanoue

Mondays, Bad Days, and Reali-tay...Oh! And a Reminder That You Are Not a Bother

• Lauren Lanoue • Episode 8

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In today's episode, you get to listen to me complain. Ok, not really, but I am going to tell you about a bad day that I experienced several months ago, and the lessons I learned through the experience. We'll talk about the importance of embracing our bad days as much as our good days, and perhaps we'll all leave with some ideas on how to be a better friend when our loved ones are having their own bad days.  

Oh! And I'll tell you about my favorite affirmation which reminds us that we are not a bother or a burden even on our bad days.

Whether you're having a good day, bad day, or just a day… I’m so happy you’re here. 

 

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Thanks again for listening! Until next time, rest easy and travel well. Here’s to finding home wherever we make it!

You're listening to As I Wander with Lauren Lanoue. I am Lauren Lanoue, and this is episode 8.

This is a podcast about finding home or making it right where we are on our own unique journeys. Whatever brings you here, and whatever you've brought with you. Welcome. Every piece of you. 

In today's episode, you get to listen to me complain. Ok, not really, but I am going to tell you about a bad day that I experienced several months ago, and the lessons I learned through the experience. We'll talk about the importance of embracing our bad days as much as our good days, and perhaps we'll all leave with some ideas on how to be a better friend when our loved ones are having their own bad days. 

This episode is called Mondays, Bad Days, and Reali-tay… tea…

Oh! And I'll tell you about my favorite affirmation which reminds us that we are not a bother or a burden even on our bad days.

For these next few minutes, kick back, relax, and enjoy because you're home. 

Whether you're having a good day, bad day, or just a day… I’m so happy you’re here. 

It is Monday. The Monday-ist of Mondays. 

 

My husband has the day off work. Our 3-year-old is supposed to be going to school so we had been looking forward to some rare time to ourselves. But she wakes up much earlier than usual; she's screaming that her throat hurts, and we know we have to take her to the doctor so instead of spending the morning on a leisurely date, just the two of us, without a toddler, we get to spend it as a family…in an urgent care facility. 

 

And you know how awful those tests are even for adults. We have to hold her down to have her throat swabbed, and she's screaming and fighting and making it so much worse, but there's no convincing a three-year-old that this is for her own good. 

 

The test is positive so we drive to the pharmacy and get her prescribed antibiotics, ten days worth of medication that we all know will take professional-level negotiation powers to convince her to ingest (a skill all parents I suggest be trained in before being sent home with a baby). 

 

But today the negotiations are futile, and she spits the viscous liquid out of her mouth all over herself and the hands trying to feed her the medicine. And she screams because she is now sticky and covered in bubble-gum pink glop and so is her non-washable princess costume which we let her wear to the doctor just to get her in the car that morning. 

 

"I WANT TO CHANGE," she screams as she unbuckles herself from her car seat. The adults are busy cleaning up the aftermath of the first attempt, and now we have to try again, this time having to wrestle her into taking the medicine because she needs to get it in her system. 

 

Miraculously, we convince her but have to hold her mouth closed so she is forced to swallow. She changes her clothes, and we all get back in the car in a huff and head home…battle-weary, hungry, and hopelessly wishing that she still took naps…and I have a migraine to boot. 

 

And that was all before 10 a.m..

 

If you're still listening, I know you're a true friend because no one wants to hear about my bad day. Or at least that's what I've always thought based on what I've been taught. 

 

Because of this, even with my closest friends, I find myself not wanting to admit that I am having a bad day. And why is that? 

 

Maybe it's because I don't like the idea of making someone else uncomfortable by talking about my own discomfort. Maybe it's because I don't want to be a burden, or maybe it's because, in comparison, my problems really aren't all that bad. 

 

Whatever the reason, when I get the dreaded question of how are you on these days, and I choose to be honest and say that my day has been less than ideal…it can lead too often to the following outcomes. 

 

  1. I may feel rejected or like I'm being a bother because they don't seem to want to listen to me complaining (which is usually me projecting). 

 

  1. Or they try to change the subject, crack a joke, play the one-up game, or try to spin it in some positive way (I like to call these the positivity police) all of which invalidate how I am feeling.

 

  1. Or somehow the worst of the lot is this, they ask how they can help…and in the middle of the chaos of those days, it's nearly impossible to find the brain space to tell them how they can help so then I feel bad because they were trying to be a good friend, and I couldn't let them.

 

So I usually choose to stay quiet. Keep to myself. Hide from my loved ones. Bite my tongue because I know that I will have a harsh word readily available on days like these. 

 

And if anyone asks me, as good Americans living in The South do, "How y'all doin'?"

 

 I answer with the equally expected, "We're doing good. How 'bout you?" It's so common here in The American South, that most of us don't even think about it unless someone points it out. It's used as casually as a hi, hey, or howdy. 

 

This was a reverse-culture-shock moment for us when we moved back to the U.S. after living in Czechia for 4 years. We'd gotten used to a different culture where people asked this question sincerely, only if they wanted an honest answer.

 

And here in North Carolina, "How are you?," is said as the person saying it is actively walkin away in the opposite direction like they couldn't care less about the response. This can be easily perceived as flippant and uncaring to someone not used to our Southern habits, and perhaps even to a struggling fellow Southerner.

 

I have met a few people who model well how to ask this question. They make you feel seen and loved. They slow down, look you straight in the eyes, stop everything they are doing while asking, "How are you?" And you hear the real question: "How are you, really?" And you know they are asking for your honest answer without the positive spin. 

 

And I get the impulse to put a positive spin on everything, to keep a positive outlook. It isn't always a bad idea, and even while writing this, I find myself wanting to spin it in a positive direction because I feel like I'm complaining too much.

 

But I'm not convinced it helps as much as we like to say it does unless we first accept the reality that shit happens, bad days happen. 

 

And just like my impulse to censor myself by removing that word from the previous sentence, I also have to fight the impulse to be positive for the sake of keeping others comfortable. 

 

Maybe you feel this, too, that need to pretend that you never have bad days, but having a bad day or even a string of them and needing to vent to a friend about it doesn't make you a negative person or a party pooper or a curmudgeon or a killjoy or <insert your favorite synonym here>. 

 

Having a bad day doesn't make you a bother.

 

If we want to have deeper relationships, the authentic community that so many of us are so desperate for, we have to stop invalidating our bad days and negative emotions or what we perceive as negative emotions; this includes our own AND those of others. 

 

It's time to own our bad days. Accept the reality that we have them, and no amount of positivity is going to change that. Some days just suck. 

 

On this aforementioned difficult day, my husband recognized it even though I had not yet acknowledged it myself. He saw me struggling, and Mr. Fix-it himself, took off that hat for a moment, saying simply, "you're having a bad day, and that's ok." And then proceeded to list the ways in which the day had been difficult. 

 

And having someone else simply validate my struggles while NOT trying to cheer me up brought such release. I felt seen. I felt loved. I felt connected instead of isolated. These replaced the feelings of shame I had been harboring all day, the shame that came because I wasn’t able to think positively or change my uncomfortable emotions or adjust my defeatist attitude, all the things that can sometimes accompany a bad day.  

 

But when I was able to admit to myself and a trusted person all the things I was thinking and feeling without fear of judgement, that was the key to my release that day. 

 

 None of us wants to be a burden or a bother even to our closest friends and family. And this keeps us in isolation because if we can't share our pain then there's always part of us that is left in isolation. 

 

None of us is without pain.

 

I have bad days. You have bad days. We all do. And that is ok. It's normal. It's life.

 

When you have those days, be kind to yourself. I invite you to say this to yourself:

 

This day has been hard. Tomorrow is a new day, and There's a chance it will be bad, too. But that doesn't make ME bad, and it doesn't mean my whole life is bad. I’m allowed to have bad days. I’m allowed to feel the feelings surrounding that bad day. I don’t have to hide. I choose to release any shame I am holding. 

 

And then, take the next step. Admittedly, it's the more difficult one but it's oh so important because of the healing that it brings to you and the growth it can bring to your relationships. That next step is calling or texting a friend or your mom or whoever will listen to you without trying to be the positivity police or offer unsolicited advice. On days like this, you need to know more than ever that you're not alone. 

 

It's ok to come out of hiding. 

 

You are never a bother. You are a blessing.  Even on your bad days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I never noticed until moving abroad for some time. Our friends only asked when they wanted an honest answer so they either didn't ask or they did ask and wanted you to elaborate.

 

 

 

And maybe you can offer the same to others. Learning to recognize the signs that someone is having a bad day…maybe they're not acting like themselves and you sense that under the surface, but something is off. 

 

Ask them if they're having a hard day, and then listen when they decide to tell you about it without trying  to spin it in a positive direction or trying to offer unsolicited advice. 

 

Being a safe space, being home for someone, is offering what they truly need, and sometimes that is simply validation.

 

"You had a bad day. That really sucks. You didn't want that to happen, and it did. And that sucks."

 

 

And then proceeded to list the ways that I had been having a hard day. 

 

We had expected a day together, but our kiddo got sick. She was miserable and needed lots of extra care and attention, and I had expected a nice leisurely day. In addition to that, I had to set boundaries with three different people who were asking things of me, boundary setting is new for me, and I was exhausted and anxious about how they would respond. 

 

 

 Listen more than you talk. 

 

And when they're ready, ask them what they need from you. How can you support them?

 

And they may not know, so give them some options:

Do you want advice?

Do you want a hug?

Do you want to talk about it? (because they may not want to yet)

Do you want a distraction?

 

Hard days are hard. And we can act like they aren’t that hard because we can’t think about it or we can allow ourselves those moments to say that it was a hard day and look for small moments of celebration. 

 

Today I took mollly to the doc, found out she had strep, had to set boundaries with three people, then two more confrontations because of teaching , all with having a migraine…

 

And in trying to simply push through, to sugar-coat everything by thinking, "at least we had a family day, right?" I was invalidating my own feelings and emotions. 

 

As I write this, there is a literal war happening in Ukraine, people have lost their lives, have no food, water, or ability to escape.

 

Closing: Thank you for listening to episode 8 of As I Wander with Lauren Lanoue. 

If you forget everything else from this episode, please remember this: You are not a burden, you are not a bother. You are a blessing. Even on your bad days.

You can read this story and more on my website at www.LaurenLanoue.com (spell it) where I would LOVE for you to sign up for my free, monthly newsletter. You can follow me on Instagram at LaurenLanoue where I'd love to hear from you especially if you're having a bad day today. Bad days teach us the importance of reaching out to a friend, so please take time to do that today if you need to. They don’t think you’re a bother either. 

Thank you so much for listening today, and I can't wait to meet you here again soon.

Until next time, rest easy and travel well. 

Here's to finding home wherever we make it.